The letter she wrote: part 3 from “I hate to hate you.” Writer: Samantha S. (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 她写的信:我讨厌去恨你3/3 作者:Samantha S (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

But, fear cannot be divided – there is only one kind that genuinely exists, and it dare not move away from its own patterns of thinking. Until we free ourselves from FEAR itself, we will continue to live in the darkness. Not just in love but in all aspects of life. Where there is any cause of fear – there is an ending. And as long as we run from it, we increase it. Initially, I was going to write about the following: What I want for you Where to go from here Why I was so upset with you But I felt I would take a different approach. Ian, I can’t show you the beautiful person you are if you refuse to even see it. Time will allow the undressing of your true self as it continues to evolve. I can’t tell you to let out something that you don’t want to feel. I hope you give it that chance one day to show you what things could be – but as long as you hold powerful thoughts towards why you don’t want to, you will always remind yourself of what will happen “if you fall into a trap again.”  Why do we live in fear for the slight chance of something bad happening where there is a 99% chance that something good might happen? It is only when thought is present that there is fear. This applies to everyone on this planet, and I know that the day you decide to let go and “view the world before it made you feel numb” I’ll be there. Not because you are doing anything for me, but for you. I know you deserve the best. The truth is, you and I, will always hold a piece of each other. That piece that never gives up. That part that forever connects us – the part that always has since the beginning. And I will always love you, Ian. You were the beginning of my experiences with boys; you are the first person I ever trusted with my feelings and my heart. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know this – We need each other. Not out of weakness, but out of strength. And I do believe you, and I will fall for each other again. Perhaps in another eight years, or maybe eight years after that. Maybe we never get it right. As long as I get to love you until the end, well, I guess that might be enough for me. (even if you never truly know it) You are my drug and always have been, and I’m pretty sure you always will be. PS. No need to respond. This is all that I have to say to you. If you decide to keep me at a distance, that is your choice. But I will always be around if you were to change your mind. Enjoy your life, Ian. It is not a short ride, but it is a long adventure. I love you.

八年了,我们终究还是逃不开属于内心的这一场仗,以至于有个风吹草动就成了惊弓之鸟。有些事就是命中注定的,根本躲不开,越逃避死的就越惨。每个人都有场漫长的战争要打,在无数的夜晚里枕戈待旦。 一开始,我想写的是以下内容: 我对你的期望 今后该怎么办 我对你不满的原因 但我觉得应该换种方式。 Ian,如果你拒绝审视自己,那我也没有办法让你知道自己有多好。随着时间的推移,你内心真实的自我将会释放,有些事情就好像地心引力一样吸引着站在悬崖边上的你,只需要轻轻那么一推,就会发生很大的变化。希望有一天,你能给它一个小小的机会,然后你就会明白了——只要你不再强烈拒绝它,你就会一直提醒自己,如果你再次陷入困境,将会发生什么。 即使有99%的几率是好事,为什么我们还会害怕那1%几率的坏事发生? 恐惧只在你考虑它的时候才会出现。 这适用于任何人,我知道当你决定让它发生并且“想在麻木之前再看看这世界”的时候,我会在你身边。仅仅因为我支持你,你理应变得更好。事实上,我们的心紧紧凑在一起,永远不会分开。我会永远爱你,Ian,要知道你是我的第一个男友,也是我第一个这么推心置腹的人。 我不知道未来是什么样,但我知道我们需要彼此。并不是出于孤单和陪伴,而是因为一股莫名的力量。我相信你,也许在下一个八年甚至下下个八年之后我还是会义无反顾的爱上你。也许我们永远找不到正确答案,但只要我能爱你到最后就已经足够了。(即使你根本不了解我对你的爱) 你是我亲口服下的一剂没有解药的毒酒。 PS.不需要回信,这就是我所有想对你说的。如果你决定和我保持距离也没关系,我尊重你的选择。但如果你改变主意了,我想我会回到你身边的。 Ian,这可不是过家家似的小旅行,而是一次漫长的冒险,务必照顾好自己。 最后,祝君好 I love you.

Freedom and my backpack (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 背包与自由1/2 (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

Buy my book on Amazon Kindle by following the link below:

Ian Joseph’s White Book(伊恩 约瑟夫)的白皮书

Author: Ian Joseph

我今年 27岁, 在加拿大多伦多长大。我的全名是伊恩·约瑟夫·德弗雷塔斯 (我是葡萄牙语/圭亚那人)。我的生日是 1月28日, 我和杰克逊·波洛克同一天生日。 2010年, 我在加拿大彼得堡的弗莱明学院学习成为一名警官。在我第一学期的期间, 学校管理部门要求我停止上课, 直到我做出态度的改变。学校管理部门之所以找我的麻烦, 是因为我在校园和教室里行使了言论自由权。最引人注目的是在政治学辩论中, 我公开反对自由主义、女权主义、结果平等和同性恋权利活动。 直到今天, 我坚信, 西方的学院和大学机构对任何对他们成功兜售和灌输年轻成年人的有毒意识形态构成威胁的想法都非常有意见。 我最终决定从大学退学, 但不是因为你可能会想到的原因。为了拿到一张无用的文凭纸, 我考虑过忽略身边的东西, 但后来我开始注意到一种情形。每次我公开反对教授们试图兜售的出于政治目的的意识形态时, 很少有人会站起来支持我。我会回头看, 没有一个人和我 (白种人) 同一个种族的人支持我。每当我为正确的事情说话时, 所有的高加索学生都厌恶地看着我。但这并不是促使我决定退学的原因;我可以忽略这一点。真正的原因是当我看着少数民族学生表达与我相同的想法, 人们会为他们鼓掌, 事实上, 这些学生受到了教职员工和所有同龄人的钦佩。他们没有被要求做出态度改变, 也没有被要求停止上课。他们受到鼓舞, 我甚至被劝阻不要开口。正是这些时刻开始教会我,我在加拿大所处的位置, 我不受欢迎, 也不被需要。 一年后, 我在 costco 批发仓库工作, 省下了每一分钱, 用来支付一个 tesol 认证, 这样我就可以搬到国外, 做一名英语老师。2014年, 我第一次来到亚洲, 并以笔名 烟雾 开始了 wordpress 帐户, 在这里我将写出我的旅行、经历和想法。最近我改名为伊恩·约瑟夫, 因为我已经到了人生的一个稳定的阶段。我知道我是谁, 我代表什么, 我相信什么。我很荣幸能和你分享这一切。 四年后, 我已经到过了亚洲许多不同的国家和城市, 通过自学完成了 美国 大学的学士学位。我还完成了我的第一本书《伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书》, 这是我过去几年身心旅程的心灵地图。目前, 我仍然生活在亚洲。你可以在 www.amazon.ca 找到我的书。 我也活跃在微信上。您可以在联系人页面中找到有关联络信息。

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