The letter she wrote: part 2 from “I hate to hate you.” (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 她写的信:我讨厌去恨你2/3 作者:Samantha S (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

Ian Joseph, Last night in the quiet hour of 12 am I began thinking about the last few months with you. I was caught, frozen in one specific instance that I couldn’t seem to shake. You see it was eight long years we waited. Time stretched so far it began to grow with us. As if we both were trees in a forest, growing roots and extending them through the hard clay soil. Our roots continued growing on opposite sides of this forest floor, hoping one day to meet ends and become entangled in each other finally. For years we would stand still, rooted in the ground, allowing the seasons to take over us. We began in spring, as we grew emerald leaves that developed into a thick, rich canopy. Our roots began to grow closer, summertime came around, and the small delicate leaves morphed into solid angle pointed pieces. When the wind blew, the leaves started to shake back and forth, and we would wave at each other. Sometimes, the sun would shine so brightly that when each little hand waved at me, I could see the life within. After a while, our colors began to brighten as we shivered together at the first breath of fall. Each day we would dress up for each other. You in ruby red and shades of brilliant yellow – and me, glowing oranges and pale pinks. For weeks we would allow this energy to consume us whole. It was only until we began to lose our foliage and stand there, naked in front of one another. We started to reach for each other’s roots, growing even closer. Winter arrived shortly after this, and we still admired each other throughout these transitions. Glistening frost lightly covering your exterior made me respect you even more, as I knew this cold layer was clinging to a warm, and brave soul inside. Its attempts to hurt you never lasted, you stood tall for weeks, knowing that soon it would be spring. This is the dance we did year after year, over and over until… The time was 10:23 pm, I remember it because I wrote it down. I was parked on the side of the road waiting to see you for the first time in a long time. I recall quickly getting ready to see you as we agreed this was our moment, and you were correct. It was. The moment had presented itself over and over and over and over again, but for the first time we seized the moment or the moment seized us? I guess that’s how it happens, right? The moment doesn’t capture you and show you what to do, it simply presents a shadow, and we chose to unveil its spectrum within. Like a box of cracker jacks, we opened it – excited to find the prize inside. Expecting a small toy or mini-game. The prize was not something as temporary as a slight distraction. The prize was more than a simple momentary diversion, but a moment to get lost in and bathe in (for as long as time allowed). The moment we walked up to each other and looked into one another eyes – I found that feeling again. I had relocated a single emotion I had remembered feeling in my early teens. This unshakable comfort I had always found within your eyes instantly returned. This was all I could think about as I held my box of things at your doorstep. One by one I looked through the contents of the box, finding every puzzle piece from our jigsaw. It was that single moment of looking into your eyes that with one single glance spoke everything I had wanted to tell you over the past eight years, and yet this simple act of picking up a box including our timeline had spoken just as loudly. Suddenly, I felt alone in the forest again but awaiting clear cut. The trucks moved closer and closer clearing the entire pathway. Before I knew it, I took my final breath and had fallen to the forest floor. Of the moments we spent together, we were magnetized from the start. Words spoken were almost felt as the frequency of each other sentence spiraled into the orchestra within our ears, playing light and beautiful symphonies. Even now, I can still hear the music playing. What I want to say, in this sprawl of thought and powerful imagery is that I see you. I see you for your past, and who you were, I see you in your words, your stories, your fears, I see you in your own eyes and of course – I see you as the person that you are today. Ian, I always have. I see all your light, and I accept all of your darkness. I only have ever wanted the absolute best for you. As I said before, there is a light within you, one that you know exists. It seems as though you’d rather keep it hidden within instead of releasing it externally and that’s okay. One day you will stop fighting it and allow it just to be. But I won’t leave your side until then; I will be here, I want to be there. If there is one thing I have noticed it’s that life is always better with you around. I’ll repeat it. And maybe this is partially out of the comfort you have always brought me, that just seemed to stick or perhaps it’s the fact that loving who you are seems to be the easiest thing I’ve ever known how to do. It does become tricky through our rough patches and conflicting minds, but there is always love present. Even throughout the absolute worst moments, we have experienced together; love was still present. Maybe this is my ability to always to see the good in people, or perhaps it’s me actively deciding to make the choice. Perhaps it was the separation that drew you closer. You never failed to mention that I was the one girl that got away – the one you wish you never let go of. Well, Ian, I’m here to tell you that I never let go of you. I never went away; we just began living our lives wanting each other in them (I’m not sure if there was ever a point that I didn’t want you around. I love having you around). And the true beauty of you and I is that we never end. The raw truth is that we avoid allowing ourselves to love one another because we are both scared of true love – we always have been.

Ian Joseph, 昨晚半夜的时候,我开始想起过去几个月发生的事,似乎深陷其中。我们等了八年,我想象我们两个就好像森林中两棵遥遥相望的树,生根发芽努力成长,地下的树根突破坚硬厚实的泥土,不断蔓延,渴望着终究有一天我们彼此相遇,并从此以后纠缠在一起。多年来,我们始终站在原地,随着季节的更替而变化。春天的时候,两棵大树生长的非常茂密,树根也越来越接近。到了夏天,叶子变得更大片、更翠绿。风吹来的时候,树叶开始来回摇晃,就好像我们在调皮的互相挥手致意,哈哈。有时候太阳太亮了,我甚至能看到你每一片叶子上的纹路。等秋天来了,叶子就会变得更加鲜艳。我俩每天都精心打扮自己好让对方看到,你被点缀地像颗黄金上的红宝石,而我则是粉嫩的。 几周之后我们变得虚弱、枯萎,树叶一点点落尽,于是光秃秃的面对着彼此,然而树根却还在偷偷地互相接近着。不久之后寒冬如期而至,我们还在这些变化中互相欣赏。寒霜将你紧紧包围,却让我更加爱慕你,因为我清楚这冰冷的躯壳下隐藏的是一个多么温暖又勇敢的灵魂。寒冷从不曾停止对你的侵袭,而你始终如一地站在那里,因为你坚信春天马上就会到了。这就是我们俩日复一日、年复一年的生命之舞,多年来从未停歇,至死不渝… 那是某天晚上的10:23,我还记得是因为我把它记到纸上了。我把车停在路边等着你过来和我见面,那时我们好久没见到彼此了,我小心翼翼的准备好,甚至还练习了见面时的呼吸节奏。对于这个万分重要的时刻,我们彼此心照不宣,后来这个场景也时常回荡在我的脑海里。你说,是我们选择了这个时刻,还是这个时刻成全了我们?我觉得这一切好像水到渠成,是命运在暗示我们该去做这些。 我永远忘不了当我们走向彼此并互相凝望的时候的那种感觉,和我们少年时代的那种感觉似曾相识。曾经从你的双眼中看到的那种安全感瞬间又回来了,就好像终于从一个盒子里找到了遗失很久的一块拼图。八年来我一直苦苦渴望着这个时刻,谢天谢地它终于到来了!但猛然间,好像我又回到了那片森林,却不见了你。只剩下满目疮痍和运走树木的卡车,还没来得及意识到发生了什么,我也已经轰然倒塌。 在我们一起走过的日子里,生活显得那么美好。你我好像两块磁铁一样互相吸引,彼此说的每句话都像一首优美的轻音乐一样,如此的赏心悦目。即使到了现在,我还是能听到那些音乐声。 我的意思是,在这些奇妙的想象中,我看清了你。我看见了你过去的样子,也通过你的语言、故事、你的恐惧和眼神看见真实的你,当然也看见到现在为止你的所有样子。Ian,我总能看到你的闪光点,也接受你的所有阴暗面。我只希望你会变成最好的自己,像我之前说过的,你心中一直有一道光,你知道它的存在,却似乎宁愿把它隐藏起来,也不愿将它释放。没关系,因为我知道总有一天你会停止与它抗争,然后让它照亮自己。而在那之前我是不会离开你的,因为在你身边总会带给我快乐。这似乎是一种坚持,也许爱你是我所知道的最简单的事情。爱情有时会充满冲突和矛盾,变得非常棘手,但这也正是爱情的意义,即使是最糟糕的时候,我们也能一起渡过,爱不会凭空消失。 也许是因为我总会看到别人的优点,又或者是因为我喜欢主动做出选择。分离使你离我更近了,你从来没说我那种女孩——你希望永远不会离开你的女孩。其实,Ian,我是想告诉你,我从来都没离开你,只是开始过我们自己的生活(我不确定是否有过不想和你在一起的想法,我喜欢在你身边)。你我之间美好的羁绊永远不会结束,而真相是我们都害怕真爱,所以都在避免深爱对方——我们向来如此。

The letter she wrote: part 3 from “I hate to hate you.” Writer: Samantha S. (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 她写的信:我讨厌去恨你3/3 作者:Samantha S (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)


Author: Ian Joseph

我今年 27岁, 在加拿大多伦多长大。我的全名是伊恩·约瑟夫·德弗雷塔斯 (我是葡萄牙语/圭亚那人)。我的生日是 1月28日, 我和杰克逊·波洛克同一天生日。 2010年, 我在加拿大彼得堡的弗莱明学院学习成为一名警官。在我第一学期的期间, 学校管理部门要求我停止上课, 直到我做出态度的改变。学校管理部门之所以找我的麻烦, 是因为我在校园和教室里行使了言论自由权。最引人注目的是在政治学辩论中, 我公开反对自由主义、女权主义、结果平等和同性恋权利活动。 直到今天, 我坚信, 西方的学院和大学机构对任何对他们成功兜售和灌输年轻成年人的有毒意识形态构成威胁的想法都非常有意见。 我最终决定从大学退学, 但不是因为你可能会想到的原因。为了拿到一张无用的文凭纸, 我考虑过忽略身边的东西, 但后来我开始注意到一种情形。每次我公开反对教授们试图兜售的出于政治目的的意识形态时, 很少有人会站起来支持我。我会回头看, 没有一个人和我 (白种人) 同一个种族的人支持我。每当我为正确的事情说话时, 所有的高加索学生都厌恶地看着我。但这并不是促使我决定退学的原因;我可以忽略这一点。真正的原因是当我看着少数民族学生表达与我相同的想法, 人们会为他们鼓掌, 事实上, 这些学生受到了教职员工和所有同龄人的钦佩。他们没有被要求做出态度改变, 也没有被要求停止上课。他们受到鼓舞, 我甚至被劝阻不要开口。正是这些时刻开始教会我,我在加拿大所处的位置, 我不受欢迎, 也不被需要。 一年后, 我在 costco 批发仓库工作, 省下了每一分钱, 用来支付一个 tesol 认证, 这样我就可以搬到国外, 做一名英语老师。2014年, 我第一次来到亚洲, 并以笔名 烟雾 开始了 wordpress 帐户, 在这里我将写出我的旅行、经历和想法。最近我改名为伊恩·约瑟夫, 因为我已经到了人生的一个稳定的阶段。我知道我是谁, 我代表什么, 我相信什么。我很荣幸能和你分享这一切。 四年后, 我已经到过了亚洲许多不同的国家和城市, 通过自学完成了 美国 大学的学士学位。我还完成了我的第一本书《伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书》, 这是我过去几年身心旅程的心灵地图。目前, 我仍然生活在亚洲。你可以在 找到我的书。 我也活跃在微信上。您可以在联系人页面中找到有关联络信息。

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