The letter she wrote: part 1 from “I hate to hate you.” Writer: Samantha S. (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 她写的信:我讨厌去恨你1/3 作者:Samantha S (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

When you would lay in the halls with Nadia. When we tried to sneak you into shave for cancer. When you put your skateboard away in your locker. Math class… When I was sick, Melissa called me, and you were near the payphone, but we were both too shy to speak to one another. When you were going to fight someone – and the times I’d hear about it from others. Seeing you at the smokers pit – any excuse to hang out with you. Ian Joseph, Eight years ago, you left a math exam at Sacred Heart. In silence, you returned the calculator I had borrowed to you, gathered your bag and left. This was the last time I ever saw you. The strangest part is, a part of me knew it but didn’t want it to be true. Moments flashed before me, art class – you always looking at me or coming up to my desk. Sometimes, I would find you in the halls before class high out of your mind on marijuana, and I would walk you to class. Just an excuse to be around you. I didn’t care – despite how against it I was. You see, you broke down quite a few walls in my life. What wasn’t always clear at the moment has undoubtedly become transparent over the years I’ve seen so many different sides of you. More than a person would expect to see in a semester or two. And times when I usually would have been afraid – I tried to understand you, and I didn’t judge you. Eight years later I reflect on your presence in my life. Even from afar you were always true. Always. Even when we stopped talking for months, or even sometimes a year – I always knew when I needed you, I could call you, and you knew the same for me. I remember sitting on MSN spending hours speaking about what you were doing and how I didn’t agree. I saw your worth much before you did. What I want to say is, no matter what you said or did or told me, anyone who knows me well knows I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped caring about you – a part of me has always loved you. As I see your colors emerge over these past years, I recognize you are genuinely starting to find your true self. Less emotional pains you were suffering, less the drug use, less violence, not-a-care-in-the-world attitude. You are full of life and beginning to shed your old self, the out of date layers. There aren’t many things that can make me cry easily. Unless I am emotional and on my time of the month – I don’t cry easy. Forever young is the only song that has and continues to make me cry. Someone very close to me told me a story about how her Mom and Grandpa at the same time were slow dancing to this song before he passed away. That image resonated with me. That song also reminds me of something else. It brings back many memories at the high school and fluctuating emotions I felt all through those experimental social years. One person that comes to mind in this song is you. Because I haven’t seen you in so long. I feel like time has been frozen – until this very moment. I suppose I’m trying to decide if freezing time has made you more valuable in my life, or added so much more to my life story. But eight years ago today – you walked back into my life.
我的脑海中闪现出许多美好的记忆:像你和Nadia一起躺在大厅的画面;那次我们劝说你为支持癌症患者而剃掉头发;你潇洒地把滑板塞进柜子里;有一次我在数学课上生病了的情形;和那次Melissa打电话给我,而你在电话亭旁,我们都害羞到不敢跟彼此开口;当我听说你要去和别人打架时;当我在一堆抽烟的人群中看到你时;还有为了能和你出去玩而找许多借口时。 Ian Joseph, 八年前那次,你从圣心中学突然转走,并缺席了那场数学考试,偷偷地归还了我借给你的计算器,收拾好背包后就离开了。那是我最后一次见到你。最奇怪的是我明明意识到了却不愿相信这是真的。一些画面出现在我的脑海里,你总会在艺术课上看着我或者直接走到我的课桌前。有时候我会在上课前发现你还在大厅里闲晃,于是直接拉着你的手带你去上课。其实只是找个借口和你在一起,我不在乎,尽管我曾经讨厌这样。 看,我在不知不觉中因为你变了许多。我开始一点点理解了那些当年我并不理解你所做的事情。我试着多去理解你而不是只会批评你,这正让我感到了害怕。 八年后,我反思了你在我生命中存在的意义。你总是那么真实、诚挚,就算我们几个月甚至超过一年都不说话的时候,我知道我还是可以随时在需要你的时候打给你,而你也一样。 还记得曾经和你在MSN上聊好几个小时的天,滔滔不绝地跟我讲最近做了些什么,而我又常常反对你,同时也看到了你有多优秀。 我想说的是,所有了解我的人都知道我从未停止对你的思念,无论你在说什么、做什么或者对我讲什么。也从未停止对你的关心——在我内心深处一直深爱着你。当我看到你在过去的岁月里所经历过的事情,我意识到你已经找寻到了真正的自我,幸运的是你不曾被毒品和暴力等东西所困扰,总是一副吊儿郎当的态度,充满着活力并且能轻易摆脱生活中的阴影和不愉快的时光。 我从来不是一个爱哭的女孩,除了生理期和情绪非常激动的时候,我几乎从来都不会哭。 而Forever young是唯一一首总能让我热泪盈眶的歌,因为我的一个好朋友曾和我讲过一个故事:她的祖父在去世之前常常会和她妈妈在这首歌中优雅地跳舞,这让我产生了很大的共鸣。 这首歌还让我想起了其他人或事,它常常让我回想起高中岁月和在社会上的这些年,更重要的是,你总是我第一个想起的人。 因为我实在好久好久没见过你了,我甚至想让时间倒流并停止在那一刻,我希望穿越时空能让你在我的生命中更有价值或者发生更多故事。 但八年后的今天,你又闯入了我的生活中

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