I hate to hate you:3 of 3 (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 我讨厌去恨你3/3 (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

She pushed me onto the bed and took a deep drag of her smoke as we locked eyes. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi. She didn’t blink, nor did I… Me: “A stare off, huh? Ok, it’s on like donkey kong bitch! You’re not winning this time. Navita: “You want to bet?” Me: “Let’s go.” I silently stared into her bright drunk eyes as she leaned in and slowly started to unbuckle my belt with a smug look on her face. Me: “V! Can you throw that cigarette out before it burns a hole in my bed!” *BLINK* *BLINK* (Regaining composure and hoping that she’s too drunk to have caught my mistake) After tossing the cigarette out of the window, she made her way to the bedroom door and flicked the light switch off. I could feel her body lean in real close to mine. She whispered into my ear“I win… BITCH.” Me: “Fuck you.” (30 minutes of sloppy sex ensues) Navita: “E you up for another round of drinks?” Me: “We just went through this over an hour ago.” Her: “Ok. I will be right back.” I could feel the letter staring at me again. I grabbed the decorated envelope off of the night table and held it up to the bright moonlight shining through my window. I couldn’t believe that I was considering opening this letter again, especially after what had just transpired. Navita: “E what’s that?” Me: “Don’t worry about it. Did you bring the drinks?” Navita: “Yeah. Here.” She passes me a stiff drink that she concocted and proceeds to cuddle up next to me. A minute of silence transpires before an awkward tension engulfs the dark room. Navita: “It’s Samantha isn’t it?” Me: “Yeah.” Navita: “E you know it’s okay to feel sad. I’m here for you.” Me: *Sigh* (as I look directly at the envelope sitting on the night table) Navita: “Oh cute, the envelope looks pretty. Do you want to open it?” Me: *Sigh* (as I shift my blank stare to the ceiling of my bedroom) Navita: “Do you want me to read it to you?” Me: *Sigh* (as I look deep into her eyes with disapproval) Navita: “Ian Joseph.” (At this point I knew that she was going to open the letter because she only ever called me by my full name in rare circumstances. This was one of them.) She opened it and started to read. Listening to her read the double-sided 5-page goodbye letter that you left me was the most painful 20 minutes of my life. In the end, I want to tell you that you’ve been on my mind. This is for you: I HATE the emotions I felt that night and the ones that I’m feeling right now. I HATE that you baked me banana bread and won my family over with it. I HATE the way your eyes light up every time you looked at me. I HATE that you always told me to look at the bright side of things. I HATE that you believed in me. I HATE that you know me as well as my family does. I HATE that you completely overlooked my somewhat negative outlook of the world. I HATE that you were always there for me, even when everything in my life was looking grim. I HATE that you a hold a special place in my heart. I HATE that you left that letter sitting at my front door. I HATE THAT I HATE YOU. Maybe this will get around to you one day… I miss you, Sam. I love you…

我被推到了床上,她深吸了一口烟,我们开始了互相凝望。1秒…2秒…3秒…时间好像暂停了,我们都没有眨眼。 我:“还是那个谁先眨眼谁输的游戏?你赢不了我的” Navita:“想打赌么?” 我:“走着瞧。” 就在我默默地盯着她那略有醉意的眼睛的时候,她已经凑了过来,慢慢的解开我的腰带,脸上带着得意的表情。 我:“V!你能在这支烟把我的床烧出个洞之前把它扔掉吗?” (马上试着恢复镇静,希望她足够醉到没发现我偷偷眨了下眼) 扔掉香烟之后,她走到卧室门口,关上了灯。在黑暗中我感觉到她的身体贴了过来,在我耳边低语“我赢了,BITCH.” 我:“Fuck you.” (30分钟之后) Navita:“你想再喝几杯吗?” 我:“一小时前刚问完我。” Navita:“好,我再买点酒回来。” 我再次感觉到那封信在盯着我,我从床头柜上拿起它,月光透进窗子,照在了信封上面。我简直不敢相信我居然还想要打开它,尤其是发生过刚才那种事。 Navita:“那是什么?” 我:“无关紧要的东西,别理它。你买到酒了么?” Navita:“当然,给你。” 她递给我一杯调好的烈性酒,然后依偎在我身边。一股尴尬的气氛笼罩在黑暗的屋子里,一分钟后,她开口了, Navita:“是Samantha吧?” 我:“嗯。” Navita:“感到难过很正常,没事的,有我陪着你。” 我看看那个信封,叹了口气。 Navita:“哦,很漂亮的信封,你不想打开么?” 我立刻把目光移到了天花板。 Navita:“想让我念给你听吗?” 我看着她,想用眼神去阻止她。 Navita:“Ian Joseph”(我知道已经晚了,她要打开那封信了,因为她只在极少数特殊情况下会叫我的全名,这次肯定算是。) 她开始读了出来,我人生中最痛苦的20分钟就是听她读这封你留给我的5张写满了正反面的告别信。最后我想告诉你的是,你一直都萦绕在我的脑海里,这是写给你的: 我好讨厌那个夜晚和现在我所感受到的情绪 讨厌你给我烤香蕉面包,并赢得了我家人的喜爱 讨厌每次你看着我时发光的眼睛 讨厌你总鼓励我打起精神振作起来,去看积极的一面 讨厌你这么信任我 讨厌你像个家人一样对我了如指掌 讨厌你抹去我所有的消极想法 讨厌你总是陪在我身边,即使我有时候像身处一个冰窖之中 讨厌你在我心里占据了那么重要的位置 讨厌你把那封信放在了我的门口 更讨厌去恨你 也许将来你会遇到更好的 我好想你,Sam. 我爱你…

The letter she wrote: part 1 from “I hate to hate you.” Writer: Samantha S. (An excerpt from Ian Joseph’s White Book) 她写的信:我讨厌去恨你1/3 作者:Samantha S (伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书节选)

 

 

Author: Ian Joseph

我今年 27岁, 在加拿大多伦多长大。我的全名是伊恩·约瑟夫·德弗雷塔斯 (我是葡萄牙语/圭亚那人)。我的生日是 1月28日, 我和杰克逊·波洛克同一天生日。 2010年, 我在加拿大彼得堡的弗莱明学院学习成为一名警官。在我第一学期的期间, 学校管理部门要求我停止上课, 直到我做出态度的改变。学校管理部门之所以找我的麻烦, 是因为我在校园和教室里行使了言论自由权。最引人注目的是在政治学辩论中, 我公开反对自由主义、女权主义、结果平等和同性恋权利活动。 直到今天, 我坚信, 西方的学院和大学机构对任何对他们成功兜售和灌输年轻成年人的有毒意识形态构成威胁的想法都非常有意见。 我最终决定从大学退学, 但不是因为你可能会想到的原因。为了拿到一张无用的文凭纸, 我考虑过忽略身边的东西, 但后来我开始注意到一种情形。每次我公开反对教授们试图兜售的出于政治目的的意识形态时, 很少有人会站起来支持我。我会回头看, 没有一个人和我 (白种人) 同一个种族的人支持我。每当我为正确的事情说话时, 所有的高加索学生都厌恶地看着我。但这并不是促使我决定退学的原因;我可以忽略这一点。真正的原因是当我看着少数民族学生表达与我相同的想法, 人们会为他们鼓掌, 事实上, 这些学生受到了教职员工和所有同龄人的钦佩。他们没有被要求做出态度改变, 也没有被要求停止上课。他们受到鼓舞, 我甚至被劝阻不要开口。正是这些时刻开始教会我,我在加拿大所处的位置, 我不受欢迎, 也不被需要。 一年后, 我在 costco 批发仓库工作, 省下了每一分钱, 用来支付一个 tesol 认证, 这样我就可以搬到国外, 做一名英语老师。2014年, 我第一次来到亚洲, 并以笔名 烟雾 开始了 wordpress 帐户, 在这里我将写出我的旅行、经历和想法。最近我改名为伊恩·约瑟夫, 因为我已经到了人生的一个稳定的阶段。我知道我是谁, 我代表什么, 我相信什么。我很荣幸能和你分享这一切。 四年后, 我已经到过了亚洲许多不同的国家和城市, 通过自学完成了 美国 大学的学士学位。我还完成了我的第一本书《伊恩·约瑟夫的白皮书》, 这是我过去几年身心旅程的心灵地图。目前, 我仍然生活在亚洲。你可以在 www.amazon.ca 找到我的书。 我也活跃在微信上。您可以在联系人页面中找到有关联络信息。

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